


A shower with Snickets

by anna12o



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events, All the Wrong Questions - Lemony Snicket, Daniel Handler - Fandom, Lemony Snicket - Fandom
Genre: A series of unfortunate events - Freeform, ASOUE - Freeform, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Cunnilingus, Double Penetration, Lemony Snicket - Freeform, Multi, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Shaving, Shower Sex, Smut, Tattoo, The man with a beard but no hair, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M, Vaginal Sex, Volunteer Fire Department, but that's who they are, only mentioned briefly - Freeform, post schism, the woman with hair but no beard, vfd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 07:43:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18912562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anna12o/pseuds/anna12o
Summary: Through a series of unfortunate, or perhaps fortunate events you find yourself in the shower with Lemony and Jacques Snicket while joining them in their investigations. One thing leads to another leads to a threeway.





	A shower with Snickets

**Author's Note:**

> This is set before the events of A Series of Unfortunate Events, but after All the Wrong Questions. All characters are adults.

You let out a long sigh as you stepped under the stream from the shower head, the hot water immediately soothing your aching joints. It had been a good couple of weeks since you’d had an actual shower as most of your investigations left you far from running water and electricity so the only options were either cold basins or even colder rivers.  
You were about halfway through shaving your second leg when the bathroom door banged open, pulling a startled yelp out of you and leaving a long cut from the jerk of your razor. Before you even had time curse the shower curtain was ripped open to reveal the two men you’d been investigating with. Lemony and Jacques Snicket. “What the-”  
“We have to go.” Lemony cut you off.  
“Our enemies have found us, we’ll have to go through the window.” Jacques gestured to the fire escape, but that was when the small apartment’s door was kicked in and Jacques managed to close the door before any of you were seen.  
“Even if we could survive the fall I doubt any of us could fit through that one.” Lemony said, eyes locked on the tiny bathroom window.  
Thinking fast you grabbed ahold of Jacques’s t-shirt and Lemony’s tie and hauled them into the shower. “Get down.” You said and both men caught on. Jacques lay on top of Lemony on the bottom of the tub and you straddled their legs under the water, giving your best ‘naked lady in the shower’ scream when the door slammed open yet again.  
“Who’s in there?” A man asked  
“You’re the one who just broke into my apartment. Get out or I’m calling the police.”  
“Er- We are the police.” The man clearly lied.  
“You are?” You asked, not willing to risk being seen to peak out.  
“Yes. Two dangerous criminals were seen entering this apartment.” A woman said.  
“I haven’t seen anyone, but you might try the fire escape.”  
“Of course, ma’am, sorry for the intrusion.” The man said.  
“You heard the door creak and a hand stopped it “Wait,” The woman said, “show us your ankle.”  
“What?” You asked.  
“This band of criminals have tattoos on their left ankles. Show us yours.” She said and you carefully stuck your ankle out of the curtain, gladder than ever you’d joined VFD after the schism and didn’t have a tattoo, “Very well.”  
“Wait.” you said, “This tattoo, what is it? Should I call the police if I see it?”  
“We will leave a drawing of it and a phone number to call if you do.” The woman said after a moment and closed the door. You got out and opened it a crack just in time to see one foot disappearing out the window and the man who’s back was to you before he climbed out.  
“Okay, they’re gone.” you said and turned to see both men untangling themselves from the tub, their legs having been awkwardly bent together at one end of the tub. “Who were they?”  
“Hopefully no one you’ll ever have to meet.” Lemony said looking over his soaked suit.  
“I love how specific you two get.” You rolled your eyes.  
“You’re bleeding.” Jacques said, drawing your and Lemony’s attention to your leg, the small bits of shaving cream that were left tinted pink around the gash. “Come here.” Jacques guided you back to the shower, his long fingers cleaning the wound in the still running stream.  
“That was quick thinking. You’re certainly getting good at this.” Lemony said, “Though I’m not entirely sure that’s a good thing.”  
“Meaning…?” you trailed.  
“Meaning you wouldn’t need such skills if it weren’t for us. You would be having a perfectly normal life and you would have a quite a few less scars.” Jacques said.  
“Don’t you dare.” You said and both men looked at you, “Don’t you dare try to send me off to some meaningless life. Asking what if’s will get us nowhere and I am not leaving over some lost blood, and even if you two abandon me I won’t go back. There are a lot of fires being set and if you two can volunteer to put them out then so can I.”  
You heard Lemony chuckle behind you, “Well, if we can’t stop you from getting hurt the least we can do is make sure there’s someone here to take care of you when you are.” Before you could say another word you felt a pair of lips on your neck. Another just above your already scabbing cut. As Lemony bengan sucking and nibbling a mark on your neck Jacques worked his way up your leg. Lemony’s hands cupped your breasts, thumbs circling around your nipples until they hardened into peaks and then began rolling them between his thumb and forefinger.  
Jacques reached the apex of your thighs and began coaxing your clit from its hood before sucking it into his mouth and drawing a curse from your throat. One of his fingers slowly entered your slick passageway, pumping in and out a few times before going for your g-spot. The pair continued their ministrations, tightening the knot in your stomach. One of your hands went to each of their heads to anchor yourself, tightening when you neared the edge, “I’m- I’m gonna-” you tried to warn but both men redoubled their efforts and continued through the aftershocks of your orgasm until you went limp in their arms.  
You pulled Jacques to his feet and into a passionate kiss, tasting yourself on his lips and making your knees weak. When you broke apart you fisted a hand in his shirt, “Off.” you ordered and he began stripping. You turned to Lemony and kissed him, noting he was far more desperate in his movements, making your heart race as you set about yanking off his tie and unbuttoning his shirt.  
When a fully naked Jacques pressed himself against your back, rolling his hardened member against your ass you guided Lemony’s hands to his belt buckle and stepped back, getting into the shower again and beckoning Jacques to follow with a curl of your finger. He closed the curtain to prevent any more water from escaping and after another searing kiss you sunk to your knees in front of him and took a moment to admire his long, thick cock. You wrapped your hand around it, pumping it up and down before taking the head into your mouth and giving it a long, hard suck. He groaned, tilting his head back and lacing his fingers through your hair and giving a delicious tug. One of your hands went to fondle his balls while the other began pumping up and down whatever you couldn’t fit into your mouth.  
A second later the shower curtain opened again and Lemony got in behind you. Jacques helped you to your feet and turned you so you were facing Lemony. You wrapped your arms around his neck as you kissed him again. His hands went to your ass, hiking up one of your legs to wrap around his waist so he could grind his cock against your entrance. Jacques’s hands were covered in the conditioner from your hair and he wasted no time in pressing a slick finger against your revealed asshole, causing you to stiffen a moment before Jacques leaned in to whisper calming words into your ear, nibbling at it as he began pumping his finger in and out, gradually progressing to another finger, scissoring his digits back and forth until you had loosened up enough for a third. Once you were satisfactorily prepared he removed his hand and grabbed the conditioner to slick up his manhood.  
Your hand went down to guide Lemony into your cunt and he slid in with a single slow, gratifying thrust, stilling for a moment before pulling out just as Jacques thrust into your ass. They began a rhythm of pumping in and out so at any one time you were never empty. You turned your head to sloppily make out with Jacques and felt Lemony’s hand slip down so his nimble fingers could toy with your clit while Jacques’s hands glided up your sides to roll and tweak your nipples. You were nearing your pique again and the way the two brothers’ movements sped up to a sloppy desperate pace told you they were about to reach theirs as well.  
You broke away from the kiss with Jacques to pant for breath, all three of your grunts and moans filling the bathroom. You felt Lemony bite down on your shoulder and you fell over the edge, feeling them spilling inside of you, all of your movements slowing to a stop. You stayed there like that for a long moment, basking in the afterglow of your orgasms before the two softened members slipped out from inside of you and you felt cum dripping down your legs. The brothers worked together you get you cleaned up, helping you stay on your feet to rinse your hair and between your legs. You were already nodding off when someone turned the shower off and the pair helped you out to collapse on the single bed in a heap.  
“Now I’m definitely not going anywhere.” You said, words slightly slurred from exhaustion.  
“Agreed.” The Snickets said at the same time and you couldn’t help but chuckle as you allowed sleep to pull you under.

**Author's Note:**

> For the record I'd like to say that I seriously despise the Netflix adaptation and the only part about it that has effected this story is that I really started liking Jacques. He's barely in the books, and even though I knew he was going to die I still couldn't help getting kind of attached. Furthermore, Lemony in this is not based on the Netflix Lemony. He is based on the books, and maybe a little bit on the Lemony from the movie. What can I say except Jude Law's voice does not belong in a children's movie. I am thoroughly addicted to it.


End file.
